Mommy is in Timeout

People, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

When you’re fat, fun milestones really aren’t that, well, fun. You don’t fully enjoy them.

You compare yourself to what you were, when and you realize just how much you’ve changed. And not for the better.

I met my husband thirteen years, and 100 pounds, ago today.

Yes, 100.

As we were walking around Target last night, he kept asking me if I was glad I said “Yes!” to going on a date with him. I’m fairly certain with his persistence, he wanted me to ask him the same thing back.

Well, it didn’t happen.

We were in the Star Wars aisle and, quite frankly, that’s where I do all my studying in order to hold a conversation with all the males in our house. I was too preoccupied with Darth Vader and Anakin to reciprocate.

Honestly though, studying aside, it was just sheer avoidance. When you don’t look your best, not only do you hate thinking back to events when you did, you don’t want to remind others of the old you either.

If we don’t talk about it, he won’t think about it. Rational, I know.

I’m blessed to have a husband who loves me whatever shape or form I’m in. However, sometimes I wish he would just sit me down and say, in the most loving way possible, you look like shit. Maybe not those words exactly. But, you get my point.

I let the fact that I’m not judged in my own home be another excuse. One that joins a long list.

Excuses I give myself every day for looking the way I do. When I open the fridge. When I don’t lace up my tennis shoes. When I choose fries over fruit.

Sometimes you have to make the excuses stop, because there’s a girl who’s dying to come back out again.

I plan to fully enjoy number fourteen.

Race (aka ‘a peacock’s chasing me’) Update:

The goal has changed a little bit. While I’m on week 3 of the C25K training, I think I’m going to have to postpone my goal race. Right now, the 5k I wanted to do is 3.5 weeks out. For most, that might not be a problem to get out and wing it.

When you’re fat, there’s no such thing as winging it when it comes to physical activity.

I’m disappointed that I didn’t make this goal, but I look forward to doing the Color Run in Ann Arbor in July. A bit more attainable goal and people get to throw paint at me. Win, win for myself and the general public.

(by the way…I’m going to post soon about my undying love for the C25K app. Also known as my new BFF, Lola. What can I say, she has an exotic voice at 5am.)

Nom-Nom Update:

I’ve started a low-carb way of life, one that I’m going to start posting meal & recipe ideas for soon.

I feel sometimes that a low-carb diet gets a bad rap. People think as though all you do is walk around with bacon on a stick. That’s simply not the case. There are still ways to do it in a healthy way and I want to share that with you soon.

Work.It.Out. Update:

April was much better than March. I went to the gym before work almost every morning and felt so much better. I want to start doing the 30-day Shred again with Jillian Michaels as well. That is, once I find it.

One day in a fit of rage, with her abs staring me back in the face, I hid it somewhere because I was all eating chips on the couch and she was all I run The Biggest Loser, bitch. I could see the disgust in her digital DVD eyes. I may need to invest in a new copy.

That’s it for now – link-up below & tell me your story!

I often wonder if I had been overweight my entire life, would I be so depressed about it now?

You see, I’ve been to the other side.

I’ve had a pair of size 6 jeans slide perfectly over my hips. I’ve worn a strapless dress that showed off a defined shoulder and neckline. I’ve zipped up adorable knee-high boots and paired them with cute, short skirts.

I’ve gone back and forth more times than I can count over the last 15 years.

You would think, from the outside, that once having been able to do all these things, I would have the want to get back there. I do. I truly, truly do. There just seems to be something that always holds me back.

I have a closet full of someday, maybe clothes.

To date, I only have 3 shirts that fit for work. I play eeny, meeny, miny….grab a shirt and go in the morning. Yearning to have that moe option once again.

In January, in one of my fits of rage, I packed up all my fat summer clothes and took them to Salvation Army. I was determined that this May I’d fit into all my old spring & summer wardrobe. I’d be able to brush off the dust and wear everything again.

Well, Mother Nature completely screwed this plan over with the week of 80 degree weather she brought us in March.

While everyone was busting out their capris, shorts, tank tops and kiddie pools 2 months earlier than normal, I was walking around in sweats, cursing anyone and everyone who may have contributed to global warming.

I even considered searching through Salvation Army to find my old fat summer clothes. Then I realized, I’d be paying for fat clothes not only once, but twice. I pulled out of the parking lot in the same state of anger that I’d given all those clothes away in just a few months prior.

I constantly vacillate between wanting to offer myself acceptance for my new body and hating myself for what I’ve done to the old one.

I refuse to forgive myself on a daily basis. I won’t give in to the our bodies change as we age mentality. That doesn’t work for me. I don’t qualify for that thinking.

My body shouldn’t have changed this much.

Unfortunately, March was a bad month for me. I was on a good track, then I traveled to Austin for SxSW, and ever since then I just can’t get back into the swing of things. I’m going to blame the barbecue and street truck tacos.

I haven’t been to the gym since March 9th. Yes, I hate admitting this fact here.

But, it’s a new month now. A new beginning. A little bit of hope.

I have 8 weeks until the 5k that I vowed to run on my birthday weekend.

I don’t want to be 35 & fat.

I want her back.

****

Hopefully those of you joining in on #GetFit and #MemorialDayHottie had a little bit better luck this month. If you did, tell me your story. I’d love to hear about how you’re doing and take in some inspiration. Linky will be open through the week.

Continuing firmly or obstinately in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition.*

When I want something in life, I’ve always gone after it full force.

When we were experiencing fertility problems, I was so persistent with the fertility clinic that they knew my voice the moment they picked up the phone. In fact, I think a few times they may have screened my calls in avoidance.

When we are house hunting, I’ve gone as far as to knock on doors of homes I saw online, but wasn’t quite sure if they were still for sale. I may have been banned from a few neighborhoods in the process.

Some call these traits neurotic, possibly crazy. I prefer to stick with persistent.

Yet, there’s always one thing that I let slide.

My weight.

I set up a course of action, I get started, but somehow I always lose my way.

I tell myself every day that I want to be better. That tomorrow will be different. And sometimes it is, and then the next day I let myself slide, once again.

This time around, I want to be persistent. I want to make a change. I want to be healthy. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

A few weeks ago, several bloggers and I decided to challenge each other from February to Memorial Day.

Today’s post is to tell you a bit about my progress. On the first day of each month from now until Memorial Day, I’ll be posting about just that. Hopefully I have good news to share.

Initial goal:

Workout every single day from February 1st to May 25th.

Progress:

In February, I worked out every day but 4 of them. Decent, but I wish I could say I did every day.

Initial goal:

Run the 5K Race for the Cure in Detroit on Memorial Day weekend.

Progress:

Obviously that race hasn’t taken place yet, but I’m feeling confident that I’ll be able to do it. Right now I run/walk (change every 2 minutes) for 40 minutes and I typically go about 2.7 miles.

Initial goal:

Do 2 rounds of the 30-day Shred.

Progress:

I havent’ done a round of Shred yet, so I better get started soon.

Initial goal:

Attend at least 1 cardio class per week.

Progress:

I have attended at least one cardio class each week, mainly kickboxing. To which I live-tweeted my wait in line last Saturday morning. But, yes, I did put the phone down and actually workout.

Initial goal:

Drink at least 30 ounces of water each day.

Progress:

Done. I usually drink at least 40.

Initial goal:

Eat healthy; feel good about what I’m putting in my body.

Progress:

For the most part, I’m making progress. I have to remind myself constantly that my stomach is not a dumping ground. I’m working on this part.

Now it’s your turn! If you’re interested, add your link below and tell us what kind of progress you’ve made. The link will be open through next Monday.

Don’t forget to follow #MemorialDayHottie and #GetFit on twitter. I’ll have linky’s for progress posts on April 1st, May 1st and finale on May 25th. Feel free to join in on any, all or none. Whatever works for you!

*definition source: dictionary.com and picture source from pinterest

Remember six weeks ago when I made you all read about my Day of Lasts?

I wanted to give you an update on my progress and tell you if I’ve stuck to everything I proclaimed on this here blog.

Let me refresh you on the promises I made.

#1: Giving up the Fountain of the Gods: Diet Coke

Have I done this? Yes. For the most part. I would say that in the past 6 weeks I have had about 3 Diet Coke’s. I’m pretty proud of that since I was a person who would have, at times, 3 (or more) a day.

I will tell you that since giving up DC, I’m a water addict. I easily drink 64 ounces a day without even thinking about it. Before, when I was drinking pop (yes, it’s pop people), I would have maybe one glass of water a day.

#2: Giving up stick-to-my-thighs foods

Have I done this? Yes. I give myself 2 meals a month to cheat. I have been really healthy – especially with lunch at work. Instead of hitting the vending machines or grabbing fries in the cafeteria, I eat a can of tuna mixed with cottage cheese and then I stuff it into bell pepper slices.

So, I’m eating healthy, but most likely developing mercury poisoning in the process. We’ll see how that goes over.

#3: Giving up Starbucks Hot Chocolate

Have I done this? Yes. I let myself buy one during my afternoon break on parent/teacher conference day. Mainly because p/t conference day is an ohmygoshlongday and drinking wine during the afternoon break is, well, frowned upon.

However, I am budgeting into my diet 1 Starbucks Hot Chocolate every 2 weeks during the holiday season. I love that holiday cup and I can’t resist. Whoever says packaging isn’t important, take note from Howard Schultz, it is.

I could just get a hot tea, because obviously you still get the cup, but let’s be honest, I love the hot chocolate too.

#4: Hitting the Gym

This is the one I’m most proud of to tell you all about. I have worked out EVERY SINGLE DAY since I wrote that post.

Yes, EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY I have stepped foot into my gym. Oh, and worked out. (I wanted to point that out because my gym has a lounge with some amazingly comfortable couches. I haven’t succumb to that area yet.)

Most days I go before work at a ridiculous hour of the morning.

So, am I patting myself on the back for this one? You bet. So much my arm hurts.

Because to me, getting out of bed at a time the sun doesn’t even find acceptable and working out, is a huge accomplishment.

#5: Actual Weight Loss

I told you all how last July I was down 29 pounds total from having started in April. But, at the end of summer I gained 12 back.

I’m proud to report that I’m down 10 in the past month, which makes it a total of being down 27.

I still have a long road to go, but I’m a quarter of the way there, which I’m alright with for now.

Lessons Learned?

One thing I know now is that I need to reward myself with prizes outside of food.

Somehow it took me years to figure out that if I’m doing well losing weight, the smartest thing to do isn’t buy a bag of chips to celebrate. I’m a slow learner.

In the next week I’m going to treat myself to a pedicure for going to the gym each day in October. I think having my feet rubbed is a little bit more healthy than Doritos.

After my pedi, I’m going to make a list of rewards for milestones. Have any fun, non-fat suggestions?

On Tuesday I kept tweeting about my Day of Lasts.

Last Diet Coke.

Last straight-to-my-thighs food.

Last day of being off track.

Back in the spring I was on a major weight loss kick.

I lost 32 pounds from late April to early July.

However, I had a big hill to climb because I wanted to lose 100 pounds total.

A daunting number. One that, from what Dr. Oz’s new show tells me, I won’t reach unless I give up all the bad stuff.

However, If you know a diet that does include chips and pop, please clue me in.

I did really well up until our summer trip to California.

Then on vacation, I cheated. Then I cheated some more. When vacation ended, I continued to cheat a LOT more.

I haven’t ran since our last day in California, which was July 25th.

I’ve gained back 12 of the 32 pounds I’d lost.

These hips don’t lie.

And they’re making my fat pants not fit.

It’s time for a change. Again.

I bought my ticket to Blissdom Monday and made a promise to myself that I’ll be in a different body by that point.

I need to rock my flowered grandma dress on the dance floor in Tennessee. As long as it’s not past my bedtime. (if you have no idea why I’ll be wearing a flowered dress or going to bed early, read this post)

Tuesday was my #dayoflasts on Twitter.

On September 21st I started the 17-day-diet-but-modifying-it-for-me-and-doing-it-to-Christmas-diet. I always complicate things.

I will allow myself one day per month to veer off of this diet path and also Thanksgiving is a freebie day. Because, well, there are mashed potatoes, red cabbage and stuffing.

Mommy doesn’t miss out on a perfect storm of food.

As for my #daysoflasts…

I sipped on my last Starbucks Venti Hot Chocolate with Whip. Oh how I’ll miss your luke-warmness running down my throat.

I had my last french fry. Ok, I know I’m supposed to be getting real here people. Correct that – my last french fries. Nobody will give you a ketchup and ranch bath like I do.

And last, but certainly not least, my beloved McDonald’s Diet Coke. It is my life’s mission to find out what Ronald does differently with the pop there. I know there’s a secret formula. But, for now, I will have to push the pause button on that research.

I’m not sure how I’ll control my car when I pass the golden arches of goodness from not automatically turning in.

If you see me mention that I’m having a pop, blast me.

If you see me talking about wanting to fire up the oven and have a taquito at midnight after #wineparty, hold me.

If you smell pizza rolls on my breath, lock my fridge. And then give me a breath mint.

Day of lasts, I won’t forget you. Thanks for the memories.

This Mommy is back on track.

If you visit my blog often, you know that my Mommy Knows Best series on Friday highlights different bloggers that I think, well, know best.

Through a post they have either made me laugh, tugged at my heart or made me relate in some way.

This week however, I won’t be highlighting any posts. It’s not that I didn’t read some fabulous pieces this week, I did. But, I want to share with you a quick story of an area where I need to start being better in order to be my best.

Ten years ago, I was very fit.

I routinely ran in 5Ks and 10Ks, even challenging myself once to a half marathon.

I played tennis against my husband on a regular basis, winning 89.5% of the time. (Yes, that’s a fact, no matter what Charlie says. I kept track.)

I could hike up a hill at a nearby park, without feeling like I might collapse at the top.

I want that girl back. Somewhere along the way, I lost her to an addiction with potato chips, diet coke and Real Housewives. No, Bravo Andy, I don’t blame you.

Tomorrow I will be going to a casting call for a new ABC weight loss reality show called The Revolution. Whether I make it or not, losing weight is a must. I’m not going to lie – I’d still love it if you wished me luck at the audition.

I’m on a good streak right now, having lost 27 pounds since February. However, I have a big mountain to climb since my overall goal is to  lose 100 pounds total.

So, here I go on this journey to get to a Mommy who is looking and feeling her best.